Definitions
by Celirian
Summary: It was something Raven said to himself before those battles that looked so overwhelming that his heart would drop and his pulse would race. When he was tired and not sure if he could make it out in one piece. He really didn't understand those words until now.


Definitions

Series: Tales of Vesperia

Author: Celirian

Disclaimer: Nope nope nope.

Summary: It was something Raven said to himself before those battles that looked so overwhelming and impossible that his stomach would drop and his pulse would begin to race. When they were outnumbered or outmatched and when he was tired and hurting. He didn't really understand those words until now.

So this is my first solo go at Tales of Vesperia fiction. I have done a couple collaboration stories already with Salazarfalcon (go check out her stuff, its super awesome). This story ties in with our story _Tales of the Campfire_ so if some of the comments in this are a little confusing, I would recommend reading that.

I encourage comments and productive feedback. Flames and/or abuse will be promptly made fun of and/or ignored.

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"Fight like I'm gonna die, huh?"

It was something that Raven said to himself before those battles he just didn't want to go into. Those battles that looked so overwhelming and impossible that his stomach would drop and his pulse would begin to race. When they were outnumbered or outmatched and when he was tired and hurting.

He didn't say it to encourage himself, not really. Not in the way that Estelle would say "I will fight!" to herself. Then, she would get that determined glitter in her eyes, steady her shield, let out a small breath before charging in with the rest of them. Not like Yuri who would burst into an almost wild grin and bound out towards their foes with a resounding "Bring it!". It wasn't like Karol mentally preparing himself by stuttering "I…I'm gonna do this!".

Raven didn't really need encouragement to go into combat, not anymore. He'd seen plenty of battles and been in enough fights that it was almost second nature.

Almost.

Because if running headlong towards someone or something that just wanted to see you bleed was second nature, there would be something very wrong with him. Still, sometimes Raven didn't even think about what he was running into and just went with the flow. He would unfurl his bow, unsheathe his dagger, and go through the motions until it was suddenly over and he was out of breath and sweating but not really knowing when it ended or how many enemies he had taken down.

It startled him whenever that happened. It made him feel old (well, older than running around with this group of children already made him feel) and it reminded him that he had been through a lot of fights during his life. _A lot_ of fights with a lot of blood that had been spilt throughout his thirty-five years; both by himself and his enemies.

With every new battle (and there were a lot of battles while trying to save the world), Raven began to realize just how much he hated fighting. He found that he had to force himself to make arrows at night after dinner, because more arrows meant more fights and more fights meant more blood and more blood meant…well, the inevitable.

But he had been given a second chance at his second life and he was going to fight for it because he owed Yuri, Karol, Estelle, Judy, Repede, and Rita that much at the very least.

Still, Raven wondered if it was wrong that he resigned himself to fighting for that second chance in the same way he had resigned himself to live his life that Alexei had fabricated for him. No one should be resigned to living and he knew that, but it was hard to find something in _himself_ to fight for.

He found things to fight for in other people. He found it in Yuri: in his determination to follow his own beliefs and how Raven knew the young man was going to do so many great things and be a damn good leader and change things for the better. He fought for Estelle and her inspiration to right the wrongs of this world and live her own path;,not that path that a corrupted council wanted her to live. Then there was Judith's newfound faith in humanity and if that wasn't something to fight for he didn't know what was. There was Rita's brilliant mind to fight for, a young mage with the brains and abilities (and spirit's know the stubbornness) to change the world. Then there was Karol; young, unwavering and yet ever changing Karol. A boy who was going to change those around him just like he had changed Raven.

But when it came to fighting for himself? No, Raven couldn't find anything in himself that was worth it. He wasn't a good person and he certainly wasn't as young as the rest of the group, who across the board all had years ahead of them to figure out who they were and what they wanted. Those years of his life had been taken from him and what was gone was gone. There was no getting any of that back no matter how much he wished he could.

So Raven fought for them and not for him but in order to do that he had to live. So he would take out his bow and say a few words to remind himself that he needed to survive because if he died before Yuri told him it was okay, he was pretty sure the young man would hunt him down in hell just to yell at him and possibly punch him.

No, definitely punch him.

That afternoon was no different. It had been a long day full of paths that went uphill more often than down and everyone was looking forward to winding down and setting up camp for the evening. It wasn't much of a surprise when they came across the perfect glen to settle down in and three eggbears came bursting out of the tree line. That kind of thing _would _happen (quite often) and once it was all over with someone would turn to Yuri and tell him he was cursed.

Raven took out his bow and quickly put a hand to his arrow sheath under his jacket. Making a mental note that he had a lot of fletching to do after dinner, he eyed the three large monsters and felt his stomach drop as he pulled out his dagger. This was not going to be easy, not impossible, but not easy; the eggbears were huge and angry and obviously wanted dinner as much as he did.

With a resigned sigh Raven closed his eyes for a brief moment and mumbled to himself. "Fight like I'm gonna die, huh?"

Raven watched Yuri get that reckless gleam in his eyes before dashing towards the growling monsters with Repede at his heels and Rita gave an annoyed sigh as she took out her belt. Judy and Estelle exchanged a quick, accepting glance at each other and Karol was-

Staring at him?

No, _glaring_ at him.

Raven quirked an eyebrow and asked defensively, "What?"

Karol didn't respond. Instead he puffed out his cheeks and let out a huff of air before hefting his hammer up and marching off towards the battle, his boots hitting the ground just a little harder than usual.

_That doesn't bode well…_

Anytime Karol got _that_ look in his eyes it meant someone was going to get hit by that hammer, and this time Raven was pretty sure it wasn't going to be Yuri. Hopefully he'll get a slightly more dignified insult than the younger man did. "Brain dead piece of crap" was a perfect fit for Yuri (at times), but it didn't really have that Raven flair to it.

"Hey, old man!" Rita's piercing voice cut through the battlefield and Raven jumped from his thoughts, suddenly realizing he was still watching Karol. He turned and looked at the young mage. Her eyes narrowed at him. "This isn't nap time, ya know! We're not going to do all the work for you."

"R…right." Raven gave her his cheekiest grin as he scratched the back of his head. "An old man can hope, yeah?"

With an overdramatic eye roll, Rita turned back to the battle, a magic circle flaring to life under her feet. "Just do something."

_Fair enough_. With a quick snap Raven's bow unfurled and clicked together and he had an arrow notched and ready for an opening. He took a few steps towards the middle of the brawl ,ready to start his usual dance, when something caught his attention from the corner of his eye. A bush rustled near the ground, but he couldn't see anything other than the waving leaves.

But the branches on the trees were completely still.

"Raven!"

The princess' shout was all he warning he had to jump back a few feet as a claw barely missed his shoulder. Unthinkingly he drew back his bow string and unleashed his notched arrow, hitting the bear square in the chest.

Which seemed to only make it more angry. Eggbears where annoying because they really didn't have a weak spot. They were all muscle from head to toe and the other parts were sharp and pointy and liable to draw blood. It was just a matter of hacking until it went down which was messy and took a long time.

Claws swiped one after another and it took all Raven had to flip, roll, and dodge out of the way. Pulling his bow string in he folded up the beautifully carved weapon to reveal its bladed backside and drew out the dagger he hid under his jacket. Arrows weren't going to help anyone in this fight. It was moments like this that Raven silently thanked Casey for teaching him as well as she did.

Even though, at that time, he wasn't good enough to save her. At that time he wasn't good enough to save anyone. Himself included. Which is why, in some sick and twisted way, he was thankful for the glowing gem in his chest. Even though it haunted him, reminded him of that day. Even though it hurt him every time he lifted his left arm too high or made a movement too quickly.

At least it gave him the chance to fight for a real cause. A real end. Fight now because he couldn't then.

Tightening his grip on his dagger Raven flipped back, dove down, and rolled to his right to avoid a bear hug that would have been anything but pleasant and lashed upwards. A howl resounded as the Eggbear crashed on a now injured arm and fell heavily to the ground.

It didn't stay down. _Of course. They never stay down when you want them to_. But the momentary distraction gave Raven a chance to catch his breath and back up enough to uncurl his bow again. He was so much better with arrows and long range than up close and personal. He'd heard otherwise from people, which wasn't much of a surprise; he was a swordsman first and foremost but there was something about blades that made things _too_ personal.

Yuri and Karol could get personal. He couldn't anymore. So he stood back with magic and his bow and only stepped in for a sucker punch when push came to shove and even then it wasn't very long until he danced his way back again. He was always very thankful he was agile on his feet.

Right now though? His agility didn't seem to be helping. The bear was up and lunging again and he was getting frustrated. Sometimes all his years and blood, sweat and tears just weren't enough.

"Come on," Raven pleaded with the bear under his breath. "Don't make me do this."

But it couldn't understand him and Raven knew that at this point it wasn't going to stop until it was dead and he couldn't stop or he would be dead and it only took a quick glance around the glen told him that everything was, well, not good.

One Eggbear was out cold but the other two were showing no signs of stopping. Yuri was down and judging from the tear in his pant leg it was going to take Estelle more than a couple minutes to get him up and running again. Karol and Judy had their hands full trying to keep the nearest bear away while Rita and Repede were-

Watching the bushes. _Knew it_. There was something else out there, waiting. They were in a tight spot in the middle of an open field.

Karol let out a shout as he jumped and swung up with his hammer. The massive weapon clipped the bear in its jaw and sent it flying to the ground where it, thankfully, didn't rise again. One down, one to go and something lurking behind the trees. _The odds are just looking better and better. _

"Rita, darlin'." Raven back-stepped away from his snarling dance partner and inched closer to the mage and Repede. Karol turned and ran over towards Yuri his hammer still up and at the ready while Judy casually ran at the last remaining bear. "Give me a minute, will ya?"

"What for?" Rita huffed but held her belt out in front of her ready to start casting.

"I'm gonna make sure whatever is hidin' in those bushes over there can't get the jump on us."

Repede barked. _Too late!_

Four massive paws hit the ground silently as a wolf (a particularly _large_ wolf) sprang out into the glen and made a beeline for Karol, Yuri, and Estelle. Karol gave a small cry but held his ground, only backing closer to Estelle who was so focused on Yuri's leg she hadn't noticed the threat. Grabbing the princess, Yuri threw her behind him and sprang up...only to fall back to the ground on top of Estelle with a curse.

_Damn it all!_ Raven skidded to a halt already mumbling the words to his most powerful spell. As the magic circle spun to life under his feet he took a breath and concentrated bringing the Aer around him. The sun shaped blastia in his chest beat louder and faster and harder until it finally burst.

Raven screamed. "Blast heart!" And got lost in a dance he never knew he could do until he was finished with it.

He could move faster, see clearer, and the world around him slowed. Arrow after arrow shot from his bow and it always surprised Raven later on when he'd go count them and see if he could salvage any just how many there were. His breathing was even but the blastia in his chest was screaming and thudding like a heart does after a marathon. Duck, shoot. Spin, shoot. Twist, shoot. Every step he got closer to the beast before he folded his bow up and blades sang as they danced in opposite directions.

Then silence.

Staggering, Raven grabbed at his blastia which stuttered under his fingers for a few seconds before falling back to its usual beat. It hurt. It always hurt but this...he was just waiting for the day he would pass out afterwards and never wake up. It was bad and he knew it and he tried not to use it unless he absolutely _had_ to...

But every time had been worth it because for these kids? He'd die.

Raven took a few deep breaths to make sure his vision had stopped spinning and knelt down to pick up his bow...only to have to leap back from the broad side of a hammer.

"W...whoa! What was that for?!" Raven caught his feet under him and held up his bow in defence as the massive iron-headed weapon came at him again. "H..hey Karol!"

"You!" Karol screamed as he swung. Not yelled, not spoke just slightly above normal pitch. Screamed. "You stupid, arrogant, thick headed, selfish...c_lotpole_!"

_Clot...what? _And that was all Raven could really think before a side swing knocked his bow from his hands across the glen and Karol put his hammer down, panting. But still glaring at him in a way that made Raven back up another step or two. Who knew the kid could be so intimidating?

The rest of the group was silent...minus those giggles coming somewhere from the direction of Yuri and Estelle and Raven was pretty sure it wasn't the princess stifling laughs between flinching gasps. Judy stood to the side, her knowing smile all but gleaming in the waning dusk light and Rita staring rather wide eyed at Karol, like she didn't know he had it in him.

Warily Raven sidestepped towards his bow, but Karol hefted his hammer up again. "Don't. Move."

"Not moving!" Raven squeaked as he put his empty hands up, spread palms out. "But uh...I'm confused to be honest."

"Karol! This isn't the time. Yuri's-" Estelle went to stand up from her spot next to Yuri, but was stopped by a hand on her sleeve.

Yuri smirked, cocking his head to the side. "No, no. This I gotta see." Waving a hand in the air he grinned. "Carry on, captain."

Karol didn't acknowledge them; not even a flinch. He just stood there hammer on one shoulder with his eyes locked on Raven and teeth grinding together. "Promise me," He hissed out. "Promise me you'll never say that again!"

_Huh?_ Raven put his hands down and stood straight up. He wasn't lying before. He was confused. Very, very confused. "Say what exactly?"

"You know what!"

_No, seriously, kid. I don't_. He hadn't said anything during the battle and he hadn't really spoken much throughout the day minus his usual jips and if he had made Karol angry with one of those he was pretty sure the kid would have addressed it earlier.

So...what did he do?

"That stupid thing you say before you fight!" Karol dropped his hammer to the ground without any hold and took a step forward. "About fighting like you're going to die. I hate it when you say that! And you say it all the time and it's not fair!"

Okay, so Raven definitely hadn't seen this coming and he didn't really quite understand. Sure, he said it a lot, but he'd never meant to make anyone upset by it. It was a pretty harmless phrase wasn't it?

_Or...maybe not_. "H-hey Karol, I-"

"No! It's not fair and I'm going to tell you why, Raven." Karol kept coming forward step by step and Raven couldn't find it in himself to back up, so he waited until the little guild leader was inches from him and staring straight up at him.

"It's not fair because I've seen you fight like you were going to die. When you thought you were going to die. When you _planned_ to die. _All _of us saw it. It was sad and pathetic and _scary_ and selfish and stupid because we never wanted you to die.

"Yeah, we were mad at you then and for a long time after and yeah...we weren't very nice but I thought we'd finally gotten past all of that crap! I thought we'd said what we needed to say to each other and moved on. I thought you knew you were a member of Brave Vesperia?!

"But here you are talking about fighting and dying and you have no right! No right to die on us. Not in a place like this for stupid reasons. Not ever. You have no more a right than anyone else here and you need to stop! Because if you fight like you're going to die it means you'll just leave us again and this time you wouldn't come back and...and that's just not fair. Not after everything we've gone through. Not after you told us you'd changed around us..._because_ of us."

Pride be damned Karol didn't bother to wipe the tears from his eyes as he sniffed once and continued. "You can't tell us that and then not mean it. It's lying and that goes against everything Brave Vesperia stands for and...I'm telling you to stop! I don't want to hear you say it ever again. _Never!_ Okay? Promise me, Raven. That you won't? You don't really want to still die? Do you?"

_Aw, crap_. Raven outwardly flinchedand dropped to one knee to look up at Karol. A move that was strangely nostalgic, a captain to a commander, but this time? It was to an equal. He tuned out everything else around him. Yuri staring dumbstruck from the group not feet away and Estelle's hands hovering over his leg, but completely forgetting their task as the princess' green eyes were tearing up. Judy and Rita off to the side nodding in agreement (both of them!).

"Of course I don't." Raven said firmly. Because he didn't and he promised them he didn't. That those notions were gone and would never come back. "That's...that not what I mean."

But he could definitely see where Karol was coming from and he probably should have taken that into consideration. But his though circles were so ingrained in his head that he often forgets that he's a free man. That he has a right to live and that...there are people that want him around. It took him so long to try and grasp that concept and even now, even after all this time, it would still slip his mind.

Ten years was a long time to want for a grave.

Karol didn't look convinced and Raven sighed. "I promised ya, right? I told ya I wasn't gunna go down that road again and this old man keeps his promises."

"I want to believe you...I really do." Karol sniffed and clenched his fists together. "But-"

"Ya can't." Raven frowned and inside he felt something drop. Because that hurt, a lot. But at the same time he understood why. There would always be that faint hint of doubt and Raven painted that himself with his actions in the past so he was going to have to be the one to try and stand above it.

"So." Raven cocked his head to the side. "What do I need to do to convince you otherwise?"

And with that question Karol's eyes widened a little. Maybe there was a little less doubt in there already.

Raven held a hand up fast. "But! You can't tell me not to do something that you'd do for me. 'Cause that's not fair either."

Which was true. Especially with a group of crazies like Brave Vesperia and a princess like Estelle or a bookworm crazy mage like Rita.

"Okay." Karol nodded, determined. "First, you've got to stop saying things like that. Not even once more, alright?"

Raven nodded. "Got it. I'll do my best. What else?"

"Stop saying it's okay because you're older." Karol's face twisted a little and his eyes danced to the others in the group real quick before settling back on Raven. "I know still make fun of that sometimes, but I hate it when you say it's okay to put yourself in danger because you're older. It's not right for you to die just because you've lived a few more years."

_Didn't see that one coming_. Raven raised an eyebrow. He would be the first to admit that he used his age as an excuse to do stupid things, but that was honestly how he felt. He'd seen more, done more, made more mistakes; he felt like he had every right to sacrifice something so Karol or Yuri could grow like he had. "That one's gonna be a little more difficult, but I'll try." Raven paused as Karol's eyes dropped from his face to his chest. "What else?"

Karol didn't answer right away, instead he put his hand up and carefully placed it over the metal plate in Raven's chest. Even through his shirt and jacket he could still feel the blastia's pulsing warmth. "Just...be more careful. Okay? I forget it's there and the only time I remember is when it hurts you and I hate that. So be more careful."

Raven blinked a few times, a little taken aback by the gesture. He couldn't feel Karol's hand directly the way you can feel someone's touch through cloth, but he could feel the pressure, the_ slight _pressure that Karol was exerting through his palm. There was still that urge to withdraw from anyone or anything that got too close to his blastia but he resisted.

"You got it." Raven grabbed Karol's outstretched hand and slowly peeled it away from his chest. "I guess I don't really think about it so you gotta help me out, alright?"

And that was that, plain and simple. He always thought about his blastia but at the same time never thought about it because he'd had it for so long at this point it had really just become a part of him. A part of him that he hated and scorned but also one that he kind of appreciated. But Karol was right, he totally abused himself more than he should in the name of worthy sacrifice and no...that wasn't fair. Not to Karol or anyone else.

He'd changed so much since that day on Heracles, but obviously he still had a lot of work to do. Luckily it wasn't going to be so hard this time around. He had lots of help.

Karol nodded once before turning to retrieve his hammer as a distraction for the quick wipe at the tears on his face. Raven stood and scratched behind his head with some embarrassment as he looked at everyone else, but he was just met with smiles. Which was a nice surprise.

Except for Yuri whose smug smirk all but sung that he knew this was an up and coming thing. _Jerk. Coulda warned a friend_. But then again it was Yuri and Raven probably would have done the same for him. Let Karol have his way because Karol had a way of putting everyone in their place by just being himself.

Violet eyes laughed silently as Judy stepped up next to Raven and held out his discarded bow. She totally knew this was coming too. "Now, what are we going to do about a camp site? This one is starting to smell."

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Thanks for reading guys! Feedback welcome!

And for those of you waiting on my other stories my apologies. I'm in a bit of a funk, but I'm trying. I swear!


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